Friday, Oct. 9th 1959
Dear Diary,
Jeremy had asked me to make a chicken and rice casserole from the back of the Campbell’s soup label tonight so I went to the grocery store after the hairdressers. I don’t know if it was the fumes from the car exhaust or something about all that hairspray they use at the hairdressers but I felt another one of my bad headaches coming on. I ended up just buying two bags of potato chips and some dip for dinner. Just the thought of cooking made me feel so sick to my stomach that I had to sit on the couch with the mixing bowl on my lap and cool washcloth nearby. Jeremy will just have to make do. I’m just going to take a nap with all the lights off until five. The vacuuming will wait until tomorrow.
later-
Jeremy brought home Stewie (again). This is the third time this week and the second time with no notice. When he saw the potato chips sitting out with no chicken casserole, he threw a fit and marched right out the door. He said they were going to The Goody Shop Restaurant. He didn’t invite me along with them. I felt bad but relieved to be able to go back and lie down. He didn’t get home until after eleven. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow.
Monday, Oct. 12 1959
Dear Diary,
Today was a doozy. One of the worst headaches I’ve had since this past summer. My head was just pounding all day long. I couldn’t get up to see Jeremy and Stewie off to work this morning. Honestly, I didn’t even hear them leave as I slept in the guest bedroom, far away from the noisy alarm clock.
There weren’t any dishes to do so I went to the grocery store first thing when I woke up. I made out a list of eight things plus more potato chips. Plus, I swore I’d pick up Jeremy’s and Stewie’s suits from the cleaners. When I got there I realized I’d forgotten the claim tickets so I couldn’t pick up anything after all. I set the table with the new blue table cloth, Jeremy’s mother gave me for my birthday then made the casserole but Jeremy didn’t come home for dinner. He called at six to say that heand Stewie were going out for cocktails. My head still hurt at nine so I decided not to wait up for Jermey. I’m going to talk to him about making a doctor’s appointment with his friend Dr. Clark tomorrow. It rained a little around bedtime.
Tuesday Oct. 13, 1959
Dear Diary,
I can’t help it, I think I’m starting to hate Stewie. I know that’s not a very Christian thing to think. He and Jeremy have been friends since high school and work at the same firm but I don’t care for him one bit. You’d think he was royalty the way Jeremy talks about him and calls him all the time. They’re always off playing tennis or eating dinner. Stewie practically lives at our house, for heavens sake. I don’t want to say anything to Jeremy because I know how much it would upset him. I don’t know what to do, I just can’t help it, I want to spend time with my husband. We haven’t had an evening alone in at least a week. I’m thinking about writing to that Dear Abby column about my problem but my head started hurting while I was looking for my good stationary. I pulled an afghan on the couch and watched the news and the new Dinah Shore TV show. She had Jackie Gleason on and some singer lady.
Once again, Jeremy and Stewie called to tell me they were going out to dinner after work. They’re eating with Dr. Clark tonight at the Elks Lodge and I asked Jeremy to let him know I’d be coming in for a Thursday appointment. There was a 50% chance of rain today.
Wednesday Oct. 14, 1959
Dear Diary,
My head pounded with every minute on the clock. It felt like I’d been hit by hammers. It was the absolute worst one yet. I had planned to spend the whole morning cleaning but then ended up lying down on the bathroom floor, where it’s coolest. Actually the coolest spot in the house is in the cellar but I didn’t feel up for the dust and spiders. After a while, I felt well enough to eat a handful of potato chips in bed and didn’t get up until the news was on. I guess it rained today and yesterday. It’s supposed to be worse tomorrow. I called Jeremy at work and asked him if he could try to spend an evening at home with me tonight. It would be nice to feel like a family once in a while. I told him I was hoping we could talk about trying for another baby. He just hung up on me! I wish he didn’t get angry so easily. He didn’t talk to me when he came home from work to change clothes before going to meet Stewie for tennis. He did leave a note on the refrigerator that said that Dr. Clark would fix everything. It’s supposed to be clear and sunny tomorrow with a chance of evening showers.
Thursday Oct. 15, 1959 Dear Diary,
Jeremy and Stewie’s college friend, Dr. Clark, will see me two days from now at 9:30 in the morning which is good because I felt terrible today. I couldn’t get any cleaning done again today. I really did try - I filled up the mop bucket and started to vacuum but something about the sound of the vacuum brought on a horrible headache again.
I wasted another day lying face down on the bathroom floor with a cold washcloth on my forehead. It hurts to even sit up straight. My eyes hurt and the spots behind my eyes too. I don’t know what to do - the house is in shambles. I called Mother but she just told me it was all in my head -as usual. Jeremy stopped home after work and picked up his fur coat for the big game tonight. He and Stewie bought season tickets to every football game this season. He was angry about how filthy the house is getting. His mother is coming to town this week. Timing couldn’t be worse. I was able to starch and iron three of Jeremy’s shirts and put out clean towels in both bathrooms before I felt to sick to stand. My hair is a wreck and it’s supposed to be cold and gusty out tomorrow.
Friday Oct. 16, 1959 Dear Diary,
I slept in again today, Jeremy came into my room and tried to get me up but I felt too sick to move. He seemed mad and I heard him call his mother and tell her how he hadn’t had a decent breakfast all week. I can just see it now, his mother will make a point to wake up at six every day of her visit to make eggs benedict and biscuits from scratch. She is positive that my headache problems are due to the dust in our house. It wouldn’t matter to her if I dusted morning, noon and night - she thinks I am a terrible housekeeper. If my head didn’t hurt so much, I would feel really disappointed in myself. When I went to get the mail, our neighbor down the way, Mable Martin, told me she saw snowflakes this morning. I really don’t think that’s true. She once told me to put rock salt on canker sores which turned out to be a terrible suggestion. I made a special point to watch the weather report on two different channels and neither of them said anything about snow. Ha!
Monday Oct. 19, 1959
Dear Diary,
Dr. Clark is what Jeremy calls a straight shooter. It was sweet of him to see me on such short notice. Dr. Clark, Stewie and Jeremy are all in the Elks lodge club together. I think Dr. Clark was Stewie’s roommate in college. He was in the papers last year because he was hunting with some friends who got accidentally got shot. It was on the local news program. I’m so thankful that Jeremy doesn’t like outdoor sports.
Dr. Clark’s office was in a strange sort of building downtown. Not like a doctor’s office at all but more like a living room with chairs and an nice oriental rug. He said my headaches are caused by something called migraines and prescribed a kind of vitamin medication that’s brand new and the color of Prell Shampoo. I’ll take two pills a day unless my head feels awful. Then I can take a third. He says it’s so safe, he’s even prescribed it for his own wife.
I go to the same Hair Salon as his wife, Nancy. She’s very thin and with dark hair like Norma Shearer. Dr. Clark said his wife would have been two years ahead of me in high school but I couldn’t find her name in the yearbook.
I felt well enough to clean up the kitchen and do the dishes which were starting to smell. I tried to vacuum but it brought the headache right back. Jeremy had to work late so I waited up until 1:30 to tell him about Dr. Clark. It was very windy today and a record low. It’s to be even colder tomorrow.
Tuesday Oct. 20, 1959
Dear Diary,
I felt a little better when I woke up this morning which is a good sign. I made sure I woke up at 7 so I could make pancakes for him but he must have gotten up super early because his bed was empty and made already by the time I was up. The whole thing isn’t a total loss, I put the pancake batter in the frig so I can make breakfast quick as a wink tomorrow morning. After I mopped and waxed the kitchen floor, I tried to do a bit of vacuuming but just turning on that loud machine made my headache. I swept the driveway clear of leaves and checked the mail. My eyes were a tiny bit blurry and looking at the outside of the house made me feel dizzy. I never really liked this house, it’s too modern for my tastes. When Jeremy were looking at houses, i’d wanted us to get something more like the house on the My Three Sons television program. That house looked like a home. Our ‘ranch’ style house is supposedly the same style house that Jane Wyman and Ronnie Reagan have. Jeremy showed me in new issue of the Life magazine. Maybe if I could plant some tulips or daffodils this spring, I might like it better. It was so cold today. I hope the weather warms up.
Wednesday Oct. 21, 1959
Dear Diary,
It feels worlds better to have the house clean and to go to the grocery store without the migraine flaring up. The vacuum is still a little too loud for my liking but Dr. Clark said that I ought to notice some improvement. He explained that the migraine condition is caused by anxieties. If the anxiety can be found and cured, the migraine will gradually disappear with the headaches. I asked what my anxiety is and he said it could be low self esteem or it could be from the baby. He’d promised that the special prescription vitamins which should help correct my problem. I fixed a nice pot roast and potatoes au gratin from the Joy of Cooking. It was so funny, I fixed everything, quick as a wink but forgot to turn on the oven. My head feels all jumbled from the vitamins. By the time I remembered to turn on the oven, it was 5:30! Things turned out great because Jeremy brought Stewie over and they were an hour and a half late. They’d stopped off at Stewie’s apartment downtown to take a nap after work. Stewie was actually a perfect dinner guest for a change. He brought over a bottle of wine and an Edith Piaf record which was in French. It was very strange because I thought I could hear a scratching sound like little bugs in the record. Stewie ended up staying over but I don’t know how they managed. I don’t remember getting ready for bed last night and I woke up wearing Jeremy’s pajamas. I think it rained last night but I might be thinking of something else.
Thursday Oct. 22, 1959
Dear Diary,
Jeremy and Stewie and I all had pancakes together this morning. Stewie suggested I try to make blueberry pancakes next time, he said that a lot of restaurants are serving that now. I know I shouldn’t be bothered by his suggestions but it hurts my feelings that he acts like I could have done things better if I was more sophisticated. At the very least, he shouldn’t make fancy menu suggestions until after the meal is over.
While I was ironing the table cloths, I got a bit of a bloody nose which was strange (luckily no blood got on the clean table cloths). Also there was a scratching sound somewhere in the ceiling or maybe in the wall. I hope we don’t have some sort of termites.
There was an article in the newspaper today about Elizabeth Taylor. I’d had to look up what it was about, I was hoping it would say that she’s getting back together with her first husband. He was one of the Hiltons, like the hotels. Wouldn’t it be something to own your very own hotel? I missed the weather report today so I’ll have to wait and see what tomorrow will be like.
Friday Oct. 23, 1959
Dear Diary,
The light in the house seems sort of dusty looking but maybe it’s something wrong with my eyes. I took an extra vitamin pill after breakfast which ought to help. Maybe it’s the weather, things do get dusty faster when it’s dry outside. I’ll have watch the news for a weather report after do the laundry. Things have been piling up.
Jeremy’s horrible mother called to tell me that she wasn’t going to come visit after all. I guess Stewie had called to tell her that I’d been too sick to have guests. She told me she’d wait and visit next month. She was so horrible about the baby, I hope she never visits again for the rest of her life. The news is on at five and the girl that does the weather seems to know what she’s talking about. She said it was going to be cloudy and it was. Good for her.
Monday Oct. 26, 1959
Dear Diary,
The weather girl on channel 9 was talking about a high pressure system and that might explain the dustiness in the air yesterday. She has a terrific hairstyle with darling bangs like Jane Wyman. I’m going to ask for that exact same haircut at the hairdressers next week. I wonder if Jeremy will come home for dinner tonight. He mentioned that Stewie might be taking him to a banquet thrown at the Elks lodge club. I rained two inches yesterday and will be clearing up tomorrow.
Tuesday Oct. 27, 1959
Dear Diary,
I feel sick and dizzy today. I’d planned to wash the windows and wax the floors but I ended up just cleaning the bathrooms and doing the dishes. I had to lay down for a while, the strange “spinning head” feeling came back again. Mother called to tell me that Aunt Patsy had a stroke two days ago but her neighbor didn’t find her until just this morning. She had fallen down her steps and cracked her head on the bottom stair. Poor Old Aunt Patsy! When mother took her to the hospital, the doctor did one of those mental exams where they ask you who the president is and what your middle name is. When he asked Aunt Patsy how old she was and she told him she was twenty five. I started crying when mother said that, I don’t know why hearing that my 78 year old Aunt thinks she’s 25 is just the saddest thing in the world. I set the table and just sat there trying to remember if Jeremy is coming home for dinner or not. I can’t remember for the life of me if tonight is a football game. When he didn’t come home, I opened a bag of Lays potato chips and watched the weather report, the weather girl said it’s to be quite foggy the next couple days.
Wednesday Oct. 28, 1959
Dear Diary,
My new hairstyle is three inches shorter, right to the collar with bangs like the weather girl. Stewie said that it makes my nose look bigger. That was a very mean thing to say if you ask me. I wish Stewie would move away to another city. There definitely seems to be something scratching inside the kitchen walls again although I can’t pinpoint the source. It’s making me so angry that I took three pieces of our wedding china down to the basement and threw them against the wall. I hated that pattern, it’s always made me angry that Jeremy took Stewie along to pick out our china instead of me. Who cares if I have bad taste? It was my wedding!
My headache came back right before the local news program. I brought an afghan to the couch so I could lay down while I waited to see the weather report. That’s where I am now. I’m not even sure if Jeremy and Stewie are coming home tonight at all, they haven’t called and it’s already 5:30. I’m calling Dr. Clark in the morning. I’m going to ask for something to help with the dizziness. I looked outside just now and it was foggy and misting lightly.
Thursday Oct. 29, 1959
Dear Diary,
I woke up feeling a little headachy so I took an extra vitamin plus one of the new pills Dr. Clark sent me which are to curb my dizziness. Dr. Clark said it’s perfectly safe for me to take an extra migraine pill now and then if I my migraine is acting up. When I was baking cookies this morning I heard the scratching sound in the kitchen walls again. It’s sickening to think of something living inside the walls. I sprayed some oven cleaner behind the stove, maybe that will help a little. I tried to read an article about a new movie that’s coming to the movie theater called Some Like it Hot. I don’t know what to think of that Marilyn Monroe with all her divorces. Anyway, my eyes got too blurry to read so I did some ironing and made Swiss Steak using the Joy of Cooking Cookbook. Jeremy and Stewie came home around 6 but they’d already had a light dinner with Dr. Clark. We all watched the local news together but I don’t think they were paying very good attention because the weather girl had something written on the palms of her hands but they didn’t see it even when I pointed it out. I’m not exactly sure what it said (maybe the word ‘help’ and the international symbol for the Olympic games on the other hand). Stewie called me Crazy Connie but I swear I saw something there.
Friday Oct. 29, 1959
Dear Diary,
I woke up today feeling like a million dollars. My head feels so much better and my eyes aren’t blurry at all. The scratching sound was still there in the kitchen walls but I’m not sure I mind as much today. I am on the road to recovery! To celebrate, I bought a Peter Pan collar dress and a pair of oven mitts at McAlpin’s Department store downtown. I skipped lunch to make time for cleaning. I watched the news while I polished the silver. Poor Jackie Gleason was in the news again. It looks like he’s stuffed full of gumdrops. Some people ought to be allergic to sugar. That weather girl is really on top of things, she correctly predicted that it was going to start raining soon and just ten minutes later it started to rain. Amazing!
Monday November 2, 1959
Dear Diary,
I read the sweetest thing in the newspaper today, it was an article about Shirley Temple. She was my absolute favorite movie star when I was little. The article said that she is getting a television program which will be called The Shirley Temple Storybook. Just think, Shirley Temple and I are both ladies now!
I was planning to see the new Marilyn Monroe movie at the Main Theatre but there seems to be a very tall Indian gentleman standing in the driveway and I think I might do better to stay put for now and wait for the weather report.
Tuesday November 3, 1959
Dear Diary,
I took a long walk around the neighborhood today but wasn’t able to figure out where the Indian gentleman lives. I asked Mable Martin if she’d seen the man but she just acting like I was crazy. She isn’t exactly one of my favorite people - she could at least try to be nice. Her voice sounds exactly like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.
I visited Aunt Patsy at the hospital today. It was really hard going there, I haven’t been there since the baby. At least the old people’s ward isn’t anywhere near the babies, I couldn’t have handled that today. Aunt Patsy thought I was my mother which ended up being really funny. She had written out her super secret recipe for hot fudge sauce for me to keep in case anything happened to her. When I looked at it back at home, I started laughing because she’d wrote that the main ingredients were tree sap and dish soap. Maybe I’ll try making some of that for Stewie!
It’s a shame that the weather girl doesn’t have more time to explain the storm fronts and cloud banks, she seems really smart and the sort of person that people would enjoy hearing more from. I haven’t seen anything more written on the palms of their hands but I’m keeping my eyes peeled.
Wednesday November 4, 1959
Dear Diary,
I made oatmeal with raisins for breakfast but Jeremy and Stewie just had coffee. I cleaned the oven which was absolutely filthy. The scratching sound in the wall was louder and made me feel like I was going to have another headache so I decided to just get out of the house. I went to the grocery store and I bought the ingredients to make a rhubarb pie and spaghetti with meatballs from the Joy of Cooking recipe. The recipe for Perfect Meatballs in the Joy of Cooking cookbook is was so complicated. It took two hours!
When I was starting to get things in order to start making the rhubarb pie, I looked at the clock and it was already 5. I thought I’d take a break and watch a little Television but then I saw the most revolting advertisement for Heinz catsup. Three ketchup bottles lined up in a row and sang a song about being fresh. Singing food? Their horrid little song gave me an instant headache like being hit by a bolt of lightening. At 5:30, Jeremy called to say that he and Stewie were going out for sandwiches after work so I put everything back in the fridge and ate the potato chips for supper. It is supposed to be partially cloudy and I guess that means it’ll be partially sunny too.
Thursday November 5, 1959
Dear Diary,
Mother always taught me that a christian wife is patient and kind, never wishing ill to any man or women, never treating anyone unkindly. But today, I swear to God above, I’m so mad at Stewie, I could curse. I overheard him tell Jeremy that he ought to think about moving out of the house for awhile. I guess (and the truth is, I don’t remember doing this at all) I left a couple meatballs on the bathroom scales when I was weighing them yesterday. It wasn’t an intentional mistake. Jeremy left me a note on the kitchen table telling me I owed him and Stewie an apology for subjecting them to gross living conditions. He said that his mother would be shocked to find out I was letting the house go to shambles and preparing his meals in unsanitary conditions. I feel like I’m going to faint. I was simply trying to follow the recipe; make each meatball a even 2 ounces like the Joy of Cooking said. He also said that he couldn’t imagine bringing a child into a home where rotting food is left out overnight. What am I going to do? Stewie doesn’t deserve an apology seeing that he doesn’t live here for heaven’s sake. It’s sunny today and the weather girl said it will be sunny tomorrow. I hope this Indian gentleman in the driveway doesn’t mind me staring at him. I’d be so terribly lonely if he wasn’t here watching out for me.
Friday November 6, 1959
Dear Diary,
I called and apologized to Stewie, even though he deserves a prize for being the absolute worst houseguest of all time. I read in the Dear Abby column that houseguests ought to bring a bottle of wine with dinner and Stewie has only brought wine once and he’s been here almost every night this month. I worked all day waxing the floors the floors and cleaning the bathroom. I’m going to try to vacuum again this evening. I feel a little dizzy today but it’s hard to tell if it’s from the nosebleed or from skipping lunch and breakfast. The weather girl mentioned that tonight would be a good night for viewers to look at the stars. Isn’t that a sweet suggestion? I love looking at constellations! The Indian gentleman wasn’t in the driveway tonight. That’s OK, everyone deserves a day off once and while. I wish I wasn’t me.
Monday November 9, 1959
Dear Diary,
Jeremy called to say that he’s coming over tonight to check on me - he thinks I’m having ‘an episode’ like right after the baby. I put on my new peterpan collar dress but he didn’t come over. I just sat staring at the driveway for a long time, waiting. When the weather report came on, the most amazing thing happened; a beautiful array of light rose out of nowhere. It was the Northern Lights! I am sure of it. It was so pretty that I started to cry. I have been blessed with a miracle. The weather girl had the Olympic symbol on her palms again. It just seems like someone would tell her that nobody in their right mind wants to be reminded of what happened to poor Jesse Owens during the Olympic games. She said it was going to overcast but I’m sure she meant to say it was going to be over at last. It’s good to remember the lessons of the great war.
Tuesday November 10, 1959
Dear Diary,
The channel 9 weather girl didn’t have anything on her palms tonight and I’m taking that as a clear sign that someone has gotten through to her about Jesse Owens. I’m sure she didn’t mean any disrespect. The Olympics are really hard on everybody. Heaven knows, I couldn’t handle that level of competition.
Wednesday November 11, 1959
Dear Diary,
I was reading all about how Elizabeth Taylor is still able to fit into her very first wedding dress (when she married the Hilton boy) and how that is what inspires her to stay so trim. I started wondering if I could still fit into my wedding dress or if I’d grown.
The dress was down in the basement and on the way up the steps, I accidently dropped the box and it fell open and the dress ripped at the sleeve. I don’t know what came over me but I got so scared that Jeremy or Stewie would find out and tell mother (it was so expensive) so I took it out to the backyard and burned in the burn barrel. My neighbor, Mable Martin, was raking her yard and I swear she was trying to see what I was burning. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that she was spying on me.
Thursday November 12, 1959
Dear Diary,
I bought a new shade of lipstick and matching nail polish at the Walgreens. The name of the shade is called Orange Flip. For dinner, I’m fixing fried chicken and potatoes from the Joy of Cooking. The Indian gentleman came to me in my dream and explained that I should chop up some of one of my fingernail clippings and put it in Jeremy’s food. It’s an ancient trick, like a magic spell. It sounded gross to me but there is a logic behind which has nothing to do with witchcraft or hocus pocus. Whoever eats your fingernail is eating part of you and will have to love you forever. Amen to that.
Friday November 13, 1959
Dear Diary,
My mother came over with a book of exercises to help you when you’re pregnant. I can’t really see how it could help considering that it’s been two months since Jeremy and I slept in the same bed. He was nice last night when he came by and gave me a new vacuum sweeper. It’s from the Sears Catalogue. It’s very modern. Unfortunately, it’s even louder than our old one. I didn’t say anything because it was such a nice present and I was pleased that he’d thought of me. Stewie was waiting out in the car so I packed up a hamper full of chicken and the potatoes (I put the tiniest fingernail clipping in the potatoes, I trust the Indian gentleman isn’t leading me astray). Jeremy said the chicken looked good. Today I watched a program about Spain on channel 9 because the weather girl had mentioned that Southern Europe holds the key to a softer happiness. I’m going to learn more about Europe if possible. It’s supposed to snow tomorrow.
Monday November 16, 1959 Dear Diary,
Inside today is like a beautiful snowglobe. I tried stuffing cotton balls in my ears but the new vacuum is too loud for me. I vacuumed for as long as I could then I sat in the tub and cried until I got a bloody nose. This made me cry even harder because it reminded me of the baby. My Daddy used to put table napkins in his mouth so he could cry as loud as she wanted without upsetting mother, so I tried that for a while. There was an article in the paper today about Jewish war orphans. I wonder if Jeremy would let me adopt one. I gathered from the article, it is ideal to adopt two at once, if possible. The newspaper had a photo of Hitler too. I never considered how much he looks like Mable Martin up the street.
Tuesday November 17, 1959
Dear Diary,
Dr. Clark stopped over at 10:30 this morning to bring me refills on all my medicine. He said that my headache medicine isn’t strong enough and this refill was a bit stronger. Isn’t that kind?
I don’t think the Indian gentleman likes Dr. Clark because he had a sad look on his face after the doctor left.
There is an great sounding recipe on the Gold Medal flour box for Mexican cookies. It snowed until the weather girl came on and said it was going to stop. So incredible! Maybe she’ll ask it to do so again tomorrow.
Wednesday November 18, 1959
Dear Diary,
I swear on the bible, Mexican cookies are a dream come true. I stayed up all night making them. Oh, I just counted and I now have 22 dozen cookies. That’s 264 little snow balls. I swear I could feed all of Mexico today.
The Indian gentleman was standing very still and I take this as a very good sign of things to come.
Jeremy stopped by and had dinner with me while Stewie was out with Dr. Clark at the Elks Lodge. We had a lovely time playing cards. He won every single game but I didn’t mind. Before he left, I packed up three dozen cookies for him. He said the house was getting better which was nice. I asked about our anniversary cruise and he said he was thinking about an European vacation cruise instead. Doesn’t that sound like the world’s best idea? I am the happiest, luckiest girl of all time to have such a sweet husband. I didn’t mind that he forgot my birthday. I forgot about it too so it didn’t matter very much. I am twenty four years old today.
I wonder how old the weather girl is. She can’t be much older. I wonder which grocery store she goes to because I’ve never seen her anywhere.
Thursday November 19, 1959
Dear Diary,
San Francisco has got to be one of the most dangerous places on earth. When I lived there for secretarial school, I rented an apartment from a Canadian couple. There was a young philosophy student named Teddy who rented the room downstairs from me. We were good friends for a while and then he killed a neighbor boy. I helped search for the child for 2 straight days. The boy’s mom was a widow with five kids who took in loads of ironing. That little boy used to run around and around our building for fun. I saw him playing tag with an older boy the day he disappeared. It never occurred to me that he wasn’t safe. I certainly couldn’t have known because I’m nothing close to psychic, you know. It turned out that my neighbor had hurt him and put the body in the trash.
I was the first one to find him but I pretended that I didn’t see him and kept looking because I was so scared. I don’t really know why I didn’t scream or faint or anything normal like that, I just didn’t want to be the one to find him for some reason. My roommate’s dad found him right after that. It was the most blood I’d ever seen.
Friday November 20, 1959
Dear Diary,
Dr. Clark had me stop by his office to pick up another prescription. More pills! These ones are plain white and should help with the bloody noses and blue ones for helping me wake up in the morning. I asked him if I could have a baby while I had migraine headaches and he said that it wasn’t a very good idea right now. We talked about camping. He likes to go camping on the weekends. I asked him if his wife likes to camp but he acted like he didn’t understand me and said, ‘My wife? Why are you asking me about my wife?’. What a strange man.
I am now taking four different kinds of pills. Bluish green ones for my headaches, yellow ones for the dizziness, white ones for bloody noses and blue ones for getting rid of my sleepiness. I can take all but the blue ones on an empty stomach. It’s a lot to keep track of but all I want is to get rid of my headaches and be well again.
Monday November 23, 1959
Dear Diary,
I feel asleep after breakfast when my arms got tired of polishing the silver. I swear I must be getting ten hours of sleep a night these days, even with the new wake-me-up pills.
I had to reset my hairdo, I must have tossed and turned in my sleep and completely messed up my hair.
The weather girl was looking tired today - just like me.
Tuesday November 24, 1959
Dear Diary,
I had a the funniest dream that the kindly Indian gentleman, who watches over me, was my 8th grade Home Economics teacher. He taught me his secret language where you can spell anyone’s name using only the letters S N I C E A R M O & H. It was so simple, I’m surprised it hasn’t caught on in real life. Just think how much easier it would be for children in the kindergardens. Why, they’d just fly threw the grades! I’d always wanted to be a teacher but Mother was sure that it would be too hard for me. She always said that I was scared public speaking because I had a stutter when I was little.
The weather girl said I ought to be careful today because the rain might make the TV signals weaker. Imagine that?
Wednesday November 25, 1959
Dear Diary,
I wrote to Aunt Patsy let her know about the European trip that Jeremy has planned for our anniversary.
I’m not even sure if Jeremy has been home at all in the last two days. He might come home tonight after his annual fraternity dinner at the Elk’s Lodge. I couldn’t go to the hairdressers today because my right foot kept changing sizes or it might have been my shoes. Every single shoe looks exactly alike, it’s beyond impossible to find a match. It makes getting dressed like playing a puzzle game.
Thursday November 26, 1959
Dear Diary,
Four score and toreadors, the pills are working wonders on my headaches! I just wish my eyes weren’t so blurry, I really have no business driving but I have to pick up Jeremy’s shirts today at the dry cleaners. Jeremy won’t be home tonight again, he’s having his annual dinner for his fraternity at the Elks lodge, it sounded familiar but I’d thought it was another night.
Our newspaper ran a kind of disturbing story today about how John Wayne’s drinking shoes have been discovered on a remote Southern island. Well, right after that the channel 9 weather girl let me in on a little secret. She is set to run in the next Olympic marathon. Isn’t that something?
Friday November 27, 1959
Dear Diary,
I went for a walk around the block this morning. I told myself that it was to get some fresh air for my eyes which are so blurry today (so blurry that I think it’s giving me a whole new kind of headache). The real reason is that I haven’t seen the kind faced, tall Indian gentleman recently. Mother always said that it’s impolite to stare at strangers but I’m alone so much of the time that I would be happy to have anyone as my friend.
What is amazing to me is that the Olympic marathoners run for 26 miles. Can you imagine? The weather girl may or may not be allowed to run. It all depends on the whims of the vile communists who sit on the Olympic committee. I’m scared for her. Tomorrow brings a beautiful snow shower from heaven and then all will be revealed to me. That sounds nice!
Monday November 30, 1959
Dear Diary,
I cleaned out the pantry for hours this morning looking for bugs. I didn’t find a single one but I could still hear them.
I drew the Olympic rings on the palms of my hands today when I watched the weather girl. She had the word ‘silver’ on one palm and the word ‘metal’ on the other. It made me want to cry because I was thinking the exact same thing.
Tuesday December 1, 1959
Dear Diary,
I had some interesting news from the weather girl. She was in my dreams last night and now I understand things so clearly. It turns out that she needs 2 teaspoons of mercury, like in the kind in thermometers, so she can finish her petition to the Olympic committee against gender testing. It’s a vicious part of the games, you know. If she is successful, she’ll be given a gold filing cabinet with her name on it in Hebrew. I’m going to start going to the grocers everyday this month. Every day, I’ll buy a thermometer, that way no one will know.
At the hairdressers, I told Shirley Chulter that poor Elizabeth Taylor ought to be given a pardon from the pope for her first 2 marriages because she was just too young like I was. Shirley said that Elizabeth Taylor was a sinner beyond the reach of Jesus’ redemption. So I told her that going to bed with Mickey Rooney was worth fifty mission trips to Brazil. She said that was the funniest thing since Milton Bearle. I don’t think she understands a single thing I say but she did invite Jeremy and I to her thirty-first birthday party in three days.
Wednesday December 2, 1959
Dear Diary,
Oh my shining stars, I think my head is moving without me. On top of everything, it is raining like the Devil lost a bet.
Nancy Clark, Dr. Clark’s wife, goes to the same grocery store as I do and I’ve seen her when I’ve gone there lately. I hadn’t noticed it before but she looks a bit like the weather girl.
Thursday December 3, 1959 Dear Diary,
The ladies at the Beauty Parlor say that Nancy Clark, Dr. Clark’s wife is strange. They say she is Dr. Clark’s second wife, only I can’t remember what happened to his first wife. There was something about it in the newspaper. Maybe it wasn’t his wife but it was some woman who died having something to do something with tires or fires.
The more I look into this question of Mercury for the weather girl’s Olympic trials, the more I wonder about the value of this plan. It seems like an awfully large secret to keep but I will uphold my end of the bargain for the sake of my weather girl. It’s such a warm feeling, almost like having a sister.
Jeremy thought he might be home tonight unless there was a fraternity dinner. I made a chicken and rice casserole plus beets that I carved in the shape of kidneys. It took a long time getting them the right shape but it was worth it. I’ll probably end up freezing the whole thing and just having some chips and dip.
Friday December 4, 1959
Dear Diary,
I like talking to Dr. Clark’s wife, Nancy. We seem to run into each other all the time. She claims that during the summer, she can align all the sprinklers in the neighborhood in perfect harmony. I think I like Dr. Clark’s wife almost as much as the channel 9 weather girl.
She has bad headaches just like I do. We’re on the exact same pills (the green and the white ones). Nancy Clark goes to the same grocers and this afternoon, we had the most amazing conversation. She pointed out that you could assemble an entire herd of cattle out of the meat section if only you thought of it like a jigsaw puzzle. This was an amazing observation and also quite true. I’m thinking about telling her about my my project with collecting the mercury.
Monday 7, 1959 Dear Diary,
I got an invitation from Shirley Chulton’s party which is a different day than she said it was going to be. I have suspicions of her involvement with the communists who re-write history to suit their whims. Maybe she is in cahoots with that horrible Mable Martin who lives down the block. Jeremy says she’s a nice old lady but I can tell from her manners that she is not what she seems.
I will be careful today in the beautiful weather. My friend, the Indian gentleman waved at me just now and I waved back. I’m going to watch it snow until Jeremy gets home.
Tuesday 8, 1959
Dear Diary,
What a delightful day! I went shopping at Murphy’s and found a nice porcelain puppy
figurine for Shirley Chulton’s birthday present. I’ll try to find a way to leave a secret message inside of it for her to find when she is doing her detective work. I’d called her to thank her for the invitation and offered to make a rum raisin cake. There’s one in the Joy of Cooking which looks really good.
I ran into Nancy Clark again today. She is so funny! I had to call her name 6 or 7 times before she would turn around and even then, she acted like she’d never heard her own name before. Isn’t that hysterical? It’s like having Lucille Ball right in my own grocery store. She asked why I was buying so many thermometers and I had to tell her the truth. She swore to secrecy and was very sweet about the whole thing- she said that it was such a coincidence because she was tunneling to Mexico this very afternoon and would pick up some mercury on her way back. I’m not too sure what she’s talking about but I do like her alot.
Jeremy came over for dinner without Stewie for once. He looked so handsome in his grey suit. He is thinking about getting a new car - a cadillac. We watched the news together and he even agreed with me that the channel 9 weather girl is the best weather girl around.
Wednesday 9, 1959
Dear Diary,
Nancy said that her migraines were so much better on the green pills but she was having trouble with her milkman who had been leaving messages for her in secret. He wants her to wear trousers. I told her that she ought to report this to her husband. Frankly, I think she would look exactly like Johnny Appleseed if she wore trousers. She’s coming over later and bring me her mercury.
It’s all for the weather girl who looked sad as a totem pole tonight.
Thursday 10, 1959
Dear Diary,
Nancy met me for lunch at the Goodie Shop. I had a chicken salad sandwich and Nancy had an egg salad sandwich and two boiled eggs. It seemed like a lot of eggs for one meal but she had some sort of theory about how protein could help you see the future. She says that don’t make a bit of sense but she is so funny that it doesn’t matter. She calls her husband ‘boss’ (with an accent), isn’t that a laugh riot?
Jeremy and Stewie came here after work. They asked me about my headaches and seemed interested in my dizzy spells. They don’t want to go to Shirley Chulter’s birthday party for communist spies so it will be just me and Nancy. The weather girl seemed to be floating in mid- air and smiled a great deal. I think things are about to turn around for her. The Indian gentleman is still as a statue tonight.
Friday 11, 1959
Dear Diary,
I don’t know if I’m sad or happy. Nancy brought me a jar of mercury last night, it was only a little tiny bit but it’s the thought that counts. She’s coming with me to Shirley Chulter’s birthday party which should be a lot of fun. We’ll go to the hairdresser together beforehand and then drive her red convertible car to the party. I think she’s just about the funniest person I’ve ever met. When I told her that I was taking a rum raisin cake, she called it a ‘numb raising cake’.
Jeremy will be with me tonight for a change. He’d stopped home for lunch today as a surprise. He liked my idea about shelf paper and we’re going to start looking at decorator magazines for ideas. He did say something strange though. As he was leaving, he started talking about going to Europe with Stewie. I told him that I was going to Europe with him, not Stewie. Then he reminded me that I’d signed up for a Spanish cooking class instead. Now I find this very strange because I don’t have the slightest recollection of doing that. He said that he remembered me very clearly telling him to offer my ticket to Stewie so it wouldn’t be a waste. Why don’t I remember doing this? It must be this new medicine, it makes a gloss of my memory.
Monday 14, 1959
Dear Diary,
Holy governors, I am so excited! Tomorrow night is Shirley Chulter’s birthday party and
I feel confident about myself. I read in Ladies Home Journal that it is a good idea to plan out conversation starters in advance.
I’ve decided that I will suggest that poor old Eleanor Roosevelt be given her own television show to speak about her European travels. It’s really a fantastic idea.
The weather girl was wearing a snow hat and made it clear to me that I am the only one who can save her from the Olympic committee and their savage genital checkpoints. Did you know that if she has even a small mole “down there” that she will be declared a man and expected to run in short pants. She gave me baking instructions for the rum raisin cake.
The Chultons are apparently card carrying members of the Olympic subcommittee. Getting the mercury into them is critical if she is to be rewarded a reprieve from their prying hands. The best way to get them the mercury without everyone finding out is to bake it into the cake. What I’ll do is mix everything up before hand and then stick it in the oven while Shirley is serving the first course. I already asked if it would be OK and Shirley said that her pot roast would cooking at 375 degrees anyway and there is plenty of room in their oven. I’m only up to about one half teaspoon of mercury but Nancy said she’d bring over what she’s been saving for me and that ought to be close enough. This is destiny!
Tuesday 15, 1959
Dear Diary,
Last night was better than X-mas!! Nancy and I mixed together all the ingredients and Nancy brought enough mercury to complete a teaspoon, can you believe it? I never thought we’d have enough at all. She said that some countries bake gold rings into their cakes to make holiday wishes on so we should toss our wedding rings right into the mix. Then I thought, “Well, how would that look?” and I took them out. We used a couple napkin rings instead. By the time we found the Chulton’s, we were late so we put the cake in the oven at 400 degrees and joined the guests in the dining room. I talked about how wonderful Eleanor Roosevelt would be on TV. Then all of a sudden there was a commotion in the kitchen. There was so much smoke, Nancy thought a chimney must have collapsed. We rushed into the kitchen to see what was the matter. The next thing I remember is a firemen who had a nice smile carrying me out of the house and then an ambulance came. They brought Shirley and Bob Chulter out on stretchers, the firemen wouldn’t let anyone in the house so I couldn’t go in and check on the cake.
The fireman said that he thought Shirley must have put something strange in the oven which started to burn funny. Nancy and I are in the same hospital room which is fun. We are supposed to stay for one night only. It’s kind of like a sleep-over!
Wednesday 16, 1959
Dear Diary,
I felt a little congested and sick this morning when I woke up but the nurse said that it’s very normal for people who have inhaled a lot of smoke. The doctors want to keep us at the hospital until this afternoon. Nancy may to stay a little longer because she doesn’t have any identification (I think it’s very strange that she has such a fancy car but no driver’s license). No one can get in touch with her husband. I would have thought that all the doctors in our town would know each other but nobody at the hospital has heard of Dr. Clark. How funny!
Jeremy and Stewie came here before work to bring me my medicine which was very thoughtful of them. I wish they’d called first because I would have like them to bring me a fresh change of clothes and a toothbrush. I shared my medicine with Nancy - she gets sort of sweaty and nervous when she doesn’t take her pills.
I hope they release me in time to see the local weather report.
Thursday , December 17, 1959
Dear Diary,
I’m angry today. Jeremy said that he would pick me up from the hospital but he never showed up. I had to take a taxi cab, just like I did when I came home after I lost the baby.
Nancy was picked up by a dark haired woman who spoke in a funny language, I think it’s Spanish. Nancy speaks that language too which is pretty remarkable since they didn’t teach Spanish at our high school - just French. Nancy didn’t introduce me to the lady so I don’t really know if it’s a friend or a neighbor.
I tidied up before the weather report. The weather girl looked like she wasn’t scared of anything. I am glad that I was able to help her, even if it was just a little bit.
Friday December 18, 1959
Dear Diary,
There is so much to do even when I’m gone for just a couple days! Dust and filth everywhere plus dirty dishes from the Rum Raisin Cake.
Nancy called and we talked about the nice nurses at the hospital. She was under the impression that the nurses would come home with you if you needed their assistance. I find it odd that she’d want a nurse underfoot.
I didn’t see the Indian gentleman today but I’m sure he has a lot of people he watches out for besides me. I’m just one person after all.
Dear Diary,
We haven’t heard a single thing about how Bob and Shirley Chulter are doing. Mable Martin, my least favorite neighbor, told me she heard that Shirley was being blamed for the smoke and everyone getting sick. The firemen found all kinds of toxic residue in her oven. She must not clean it very often. I know that keeping the oven clean has always been a challenge for me but then, I’m not wasting all my time trying to influence the higher ups on the Olympic marathon committee like Shirley Chulton. I bet I’ll never get my cake pan back.
Nancy called to ask me over for dinner this week. She wanted to thank me for sharing my medicine with her in the hospital. I’m curious to see what Nancy’s house is like - I’m sure it’s very fancy since her husband is a doctor.
I could only see the shadow of the tall Indian gentleman tonight as I waited for Jeremy to come home. It could have just been a tree branch but it looked more like a man holding a bow and arrow.
Dear Diary,
I swear Nancy Clark just keeps me in stitches. She came by for lunch today with a bushel of apples. In a totally serious voice, she made me swear to eat one each and every single day. ‘An apple a day keeps Doctor Clark away.’, she sang over and over. Oh my governors, I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. It’s an odd thing to say but I have to admit that Dr. Clark is just a tad bit on the creepy side.
We called to check if we could see Shirley Chulton at the hospital but they weren’t taking visitors. I guess they still aren’t sure if Bob and Shirley are going to be OK. I bet I’ll never get my cake pan back.
We took a nice walk around the neighborhood. It was so cold that we could see our breath. Nancy said that it looked like we were summoning baby angels. She told me that she’d had a baby once too but couldn’t keep it, almost like what happened with me last spring. It’s so sad.
The weather girl wished me peace and blessings of snow. She will not reiceive her filing cabinets of gold by mail because it would weigh more than the cost of cane. Her reward will wait for her in heaven, just like everyone else. I am going to pray in my sleep all night tonight if I want anything to change.
Dear Diary,
Nancy’s house is very different than what I was expecting. I pictured the Clark’s house being very fancy with shimmery floor tiling and that new flocked wallpapering that’s all the rage. Well, bless my lucky stars, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Dr. Clark and Nancy live on Arborcrest Street in an old Spanish style house with 2 floors plus a basement and a really big attic. The house was almost completely empty. Only a couch, a televison set and a couple tv trays. Dr. Clark has a little science laboratory in the basement and Nancy has her bedroom on the 2nd floor. She asked if I had any decorating suggestions and I told her I’d bring over some of Jeremy’s decorating magazines plus I offered to take her to Heller’s Home Interior shop tomorrow.
Nancy shouldn’t have to live like that - having to make do with nothing.
Dear Diary,
Nancy and I went to the decorator shop and picked up a book of wallpaper samples. I started to imagine what I would do with my own house if I was able to decorate it. What fun! Nancy said that she thought we should run away and buy a house together.
I didn’t want my day with Nancy to end but it did and I watched the Indian gentleman standing in the driveway until I couldn’t keep my eyes from blurring. It is hard to describe the pretty patterns my eyes make when they blur.
Dear Diary,
Oh for the love of governors, I am exhausted. It has been a long day. All morning was spent cleaning up after the new puppy dog Jeremy brought home. He bought it for me to cheer me up after all the commotion with the hospital (I think Stewie didn’t write down my message when I called to tell them about being released from the hospital).
I just took an extra migraine vitamin pill and until it starts to work, I’m keeping the drapes closed and trying not to murder the dog. There might be two of them, it’s hard to tell with all this mess. Jeremy and Stewie picked out the dog together and named her named Rosey, which is a perfectly nice name but doesn’t fit the dog. She is a white little bulldog and looks just like a fist with legs. Her skull bones are clearly visible when I look with my left eye closed. I wonder if there’s an operation to make a dog stop barking and rolling around in her puppy chow? I’ll guess I’ll clean her up when I’m ironing Jeremy and Stewie’s shirts later on. Nancy was supposed to come over tonight but I called to postpone - the house is just too messy.
Dear Diary,
I called Dr. Clark to ask him if he knew of anything that would stop my new puppy from barking and he said to give her one of my migraine pills.
Mable Martin, four doors over on the right, said that Bob and Shirley Chulter were released from the hospital but aren’t coming home. Bob is still pretty sick so they are going to stay with his parents in Idaho for a couple weeks. I hear it’s very nice there with very low humidity.
Dear Diary,
Nancy and I had a nice time talking on the telephone today. She is convinced that people are listening in on all of her telephone conversations and that everything is being recorded. When I call her, I have to use code words, for example instead of saying Dr. Clark she calls him bossman. Her code name for herself is Ava. It might be after Ava Gabor or Ava Gardner, it’s hard to tell with her.
I was able to iron two dozen sets of sheets before the Shirley Temple Storybook television program. She was wearing a very smart looking shift dress with matching jacket, it was sort of polka dotted and very attractive. I think that the weather girl would look nice in something so modern - the new fashions are so much more fun for young ladies like us.
Dear Diary,
For the grace of Governors, I will never stop smiling. Nancy slept over last night and it was like being sixteen all over again. Nancy thought I’d used too much bluing on the puppy so rinsed her out a little bit to make her lighter. I just worry that she’ll turn a bit yellowish when she rolls in her food so much.
Nancy brought over some vitamins her husband had given her. She has the biggest bottles of pills I’ve ever seen in my whole life. She’s getting a refill anyway so she insisted that I keep the whole thing. Isn’t that nice of her?
They seem stronger than your average vitamin but my head didn’t hurt so much when I vacuumed this morning. We talked about my heartache over Stewie getting to go to Europe with Jeremy instead of me. She said that it some events in life are beyond my control. Nancy said that I shouldn’t bother Stewie and Jeremy if I want to stay safe (she says so many mysterious things that I’m starting to wonder if she might be an international spy). She and I watched the weather girl and we introduced Rosey to the whole channel 9 news team.
Dear Diary
Apparently, Stewie’s father has bought him a brand new house closer to the office so that doesn’t have to drive all the way out to Grand Haven when he’s tired. Jeremy told me he’d probably end up staying over at Stewie’s a lot when they had a tough case or an early meeting. I think it all sounds awful because I hardly see Jeremy as it is. I told my mother that I think Jeremy would rather be Stewie’s husband but she said that he acts this way because he was an only child and missed out on having brothers.
I’ve noticed that I’ve been having some numbness on the right side of my body and that I’m confused a lot lately. I tried to give myself a test, doing long division and fractions but then I realized that I didn’t have any of the right answers.
The weather girl wore a flowered dress which was very smart because the was a warm spell in the air. It felt almost like spring. I took Rosey on a long walk around the neighborhood. Mable Martin asked me if I’d gotten a new blue cat. What an idiot! Rosey is most certainly a dog, for heavens sake. I bet the king of the airwaves never had to put up with this kind of nonsense.
Dear Diary,
What if Jeremy was serious about taking Stewie to Europe instead of me? Oh, it’s just too awful to think about.
I walked Rosey to the vets this morning - Mable Martin was out working in her yard. She called me Connealia, which is funny considering that Connealia backwards is the working combination to Stalin’s foot locker and much more. I’m sure Mable knows it. She has that look to her.
Now I don’t know where Mable Martin comes from but I know that she is a risk to national security. I will enlist Nancy to help me contact that Mr. J. Edgar Hoover. Nancy swears she can call the pope using only three numbers, which in the light of things, is a very significant accomplishment.
Dear Diary
Yesterday, the vet told me that darling Rosey is the right weight for a puppy dog her size but I ought to stop rinsing her with the laundry bluing. I’m disappointed because she was just starting to look super clean. I waited for the weather girl today but the regular news reporter did the weather which is cause for concern.
I stopped by Nancy’s house today - it still looks awful. There was an arrow sticking in her living room wall but other than that, it doesn’t look like she’s done any interior decorating.
No weather girl again today. The news anchor with the large head did the weather instead.
Dear Diary,
No weather girl again today. I checked three times to make sure that I had the right channel. Where could she be?
Nancy said that she thinks the weather girl is just off sick and I shouldn’t worry. She wanted me to come over tonight to talk about decorating but I had to give her a raincheck - there are matters of national olympic spirit on the line. Nancy sometimes slips in and out of her funny fake accent so much that phone conversations with her are like listening to a an episode of that radio show with Gracie and George Burns.
Dear Diary,
Oh my dear heavens, I’ve made a decision. Seeing as the weather girl was not on again tonight, making three nights in a row, I am sure that there has been foul play. It is now clear to me that her powers have been discovered by the Communists working with the vile Olympic search committee. Those Commie rats are always trying to tell you things are radically different than real life.
Through prayer, a vision has come to me. The bad seed is Mable Martin, my neighbor lady. Evil lurks everywhere when you’re busy with other activities. I am going to teach Mable Martin a lesson on my own.
A lady called to confirm my enrollment in the Spanish Cooking class that is preventing me from going on vacation with Jeremy. I hate myself for putting cooking class over above other things like European vacations.
Dear Diary,
I talked to Mother on the telephone she said that Aunt Patsy tried to color her hair with red shoe polish which ended up making her look like a clown.
I have been trying to figure out what to do about my neighbor, Mable Martin. I don’t want to bother the authorities, Mr. J. Edgar Hoover needs a helping hand. Who am I to clutter his plate with local concerns? He has enough to manage.
Nancy wanted me to come over and loan her some more decorator magazines. Sometimes I don’t know if she has her priorities straight. Plus I could hear her husband, Dr. Clark, yelling in the background and I don’t like to get involved in family arguments.
Dear Diary,
Holy Toledo, I had a brain storm last night and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out how to get to Mable Martin and free the chains that hold the weather girl.
I don’t need to take this matter to the higher courts. I am going to handle things myself starting tonight. I will bake five dozen Mexican wedding cookies right out of a dream.
I will sneak into her yard, under cover of night to replace Mable Martin’s tulip bulbs. Oh won’t that be a surprise? I hope against hope that Nancy will help me. I am here to save and protect.
Dear Diary,
I bought a copy of the Farmer’s Almanac today at Murphy’s. They have the schedule of the moon and the seasons down to a T. I need to perform my secret mission by full moon light or the weather girl will never ever find her way home.
Nancy is on her way over now. I’m going to help her wash up her husband’s army fatigues so we can wear them on the mission to Mable Martin’s garden. She had trouble washing them herself as they are absolutely a wreck, strange stains everywhere. She is helping me on the condition that I come over to her house to help her with her decorating projects.
Dear Diary,
Hurrah! Hurrah! We have gotten our revenge on Mable Martin. For joy, we ate tulips bulbs for breakfast to celebrate our triumph. They tasted funny but seeing as our lady, Audrey Hepburn, survived on little else during the war in Holland, bad taste in my mouth feels like a badge of honor. Together with Nancy’s two pairs of needle nose pliers and my knitting needles, we made the switch. It was a perfect night of moonglow..
We dressed up in Dr. Clarks hunting fatigues. It was just like an episode of the I Love Lucy Show. I harvested the tulip bulbs and Nancy tucked the Mexican cookies in the holes. If I’d planned it out more, I’d have put red dye in the mix. There’s always a next time.
Dear Diary,
I told Nancy about my problems with Jeremy and Stewie today over breakfast at the Goodie Shop. Nancy had scrambled eggs plus Eggs Benedict (she is so fond of eggs!) and I just had cinnamon toast and coffee. Mother thinks that I might have lost the baby because I don’t eat enough meat but I don’t think that’s true at all.
Nancy wasn’t very helpful at all about my problems with jeremy although it was nice to talk to someone. She told me not to ‘go stirring up trouble and make my home into a hornet’s nest’. I will have to reflect on this advice in silent prayer this evening . It doesn’t make much sense now but sometimes things straighten themselves out in dreams like a plate of milk.
Nancy is worried about her own husband. He’s been shooting arrows into their sofa. She thinks it might have something to do that terrible hunting vacation he’d gone on last year. It was in all the papers from here to heaven. I think he might be sad because he misses his friends.
My puppy is such a lazy dog. I shouldn’t complain, you know, even god rests on Sunday when he gets too sad to move. Happy and sad,
Dear Diary,
Oh my blessed governors, my head is swimming? I had an unexpected phone call from Stewie today, he wanted me to come see his new house and he will even make dinner for us both. It is possible that god himself may have intevened with my marriage problems - I have been praying a lot more than usual lately. I wonder if Jeremy will be there too. It occured to me this morning when I was ironing the tablecloths that I haven’t seen him in quite a while.
The weather girl was back like a shining example of National pride and virtue. Her hairdo is different and has a bit of a curl on the ends. I sat with the dog on my lap and sang all the songs from the Wizard of Oz. I dearly love showtunes.
I think I’m going to wear my grey jumper dress and orange nail polish tomorrow but probably not the matching lipstick. Wearing lipstick for my dinner with Stewie might seem a little odd.
Dear Diary,
Oh governors, there isn’t a treaty in the worlds to save me now. My head and stomach are throbbing like a used chariot.
Stewie had made lambchops with green mint jelly, glazed carrots and tapioca pudding for dessert. He also had wine which he served in long stemmed glasses (I didn’t want to say anything but my glass was dirty with white junk at the bottom of my glass). I tried to eat a little of everything even though it tasted disgusting but Stewie didn’t eat or drink a thing. I swear, he might have been trying to be nice but he is just as terrible of a host as he is a dinner guest.
We talked about movies we liked and about Jeremy’s mother (it was so funny to hear that Stewie hates her too - almost as much as I do). I started to feel like I was getting sick during dessert but I didn’t want to ruin things because this is the first time Stewie has ever been nice to me.
I don’t really remember driving home but I woke up in my Mother’s driveway. I went in her backyard and threw up for a really long time. I’m so lucky it was her bridge night - she would have scolded me for having wine.
Dear Diary,
I don’t feel a 100% better today. I have horrible dark circles under my eyes and I can’t move my left hand very well. Jeremy and Stewie came by to pick up laundry and say hello at noon. I asked if Jeremy would take me to the hospital but he said I should just call Dr. Clark and have him make a house call.
I don’t know what happened after that but I thought I was going crazy because I during the My Three Sons tv program, a violent toddler broke into a pastry shop and demanded the ransom of hand stitched blankets for babies that cannot breath on their own and were born early. I cried and cried and then I let Rosey out in the backyard which was quiet. Why do I let things pile up?
Dear Diary,
I just noticed that I have strange white lines on my fingernails. I dearly hope it’s not some sort of fungus having to do with my recent dream about the tropics. I find all sort of mildew to be just revolting.
The Indian gentleman seemed concerned this afternoon, I tried to show him the lines on my nails but he was just too far away. Maybe he could tell that I can’t keep food down.
Dear Diary,
Today was my first Spanish Cooking class. We didn’t do anthing in cooking class besides make out grocery lists which, I believe I can do counting backwards and forwards.
When I came home, Rosey was stretched out on the couch and looked like she’d been frightened by a polar bear. Stewie was returning the electric blanket. All is well that ends, I guess. Rosey and I warm and happy tonight. I am enjoying the box of sugar cookies that Stewie brought for me to help me feel better. They taste sort of bitter but it was a very sweet gesture on his part, considering that I still haven’t written him a thank you card for the nice dinner a couple days ago. Maybe Stewie and I will become good friends after all.
Dear Diary,
My Spanish cooking class requires equal concentration in both eyes. I must buy groceries and special whisks, bowls and something that looks like a dental counter weight.
The weather girl and I prayed for my immortal soul but with the snow and the rain, it’s hard to know what sorts of transmissions will make it to God almighty.
Mable Martin sent notes out to neighborhood, warning them of burglars she’d seen sneaking through her yard. I laughed out loud, this must mean that she was frightened by Nancy and I the other night, it just has to be true. I wonder if the Indian gentleman is in on the joke.
Dear Diary,
Stewie stopped by to give me more sugar cookies. He said that I had eat all the cookies because he took the time out of his busy schedule to make cookies from scratch. Perhaps this means that Stewie will be too busy to go to Europe on Thursday.
I am going over to Nancy’s after Spanish cooking class if I feel well enough to drive.
Dear Diary,
How do I know if there is something afoot with Jeremy? Is he really going to Europe? There was a story in the newspaper about a Washington man who disappeared from his own backyard in 1942 and was just now found to be living in Peru. He had never written to his wife or children, everyone thought he was dead. When the police asked him why he’d left, he just said that he was tired of taking care of the lawn. The thought of mowing and raking and seeding it just made him want to die The man’s story fills me with worries about Jeremy. I need to make sure he doesn’t feel that kind of pressure.
Visiting Nancy’s house was strange. She took me down to the cellar to see Dr. Clark’s science laboratory and then she went upstairs to get us some sugar cookies (what is about sugar cookies this week?) leaving me in the basement for an hour. I thought she must of rushed off to an emergency. When I tried the cellar door, it was locked. Luckily, I remembered Aunt Patsy’s liquor cabinet trick and was able to unlock the door with my hairpin. Strangely, Nancy was gone when I let myself out of the cellar so I left her a note and went home.
Dear Diary, I feel too sick to stand up today. Stewie brought me a big bowl of butterscotch pudding and more cookies. Now, I don’t know who taught Stewie how to cook but every single thing he makes tastes just plain awful. When I feel better, I’m going to take him to Spanish Cooking class with me so he can see how it’s done. Dr. Clark will stop by and do a housecall first thing in the morning. It’s a relief to have a doctor who cares. I ‘m not sure what has happened to me in the last couple weeks but when I looked in the mirror today, I almost fell over. I look like Milton Bearle on a passenger train. I’m going to give Aunt Patsy a call and see if I can get some cosmetic advise. She used to work at the cosmetics counter at McAlpins and knows everything there is to know about beauty.
later- Even though Aunt Patsy is sort of off her rocker now and has turned her hair bright red from shoe polish, she still is just amazing. She gave me a gorgeous tube of brink pink lipstick and told me to try to avoid wearing grey and black (I need to wear light pastels and ‘happy colors’). I love Aunt Patsy, even though she made me so sad, asking me how my baby is - she didn’t
remember what happened.
Dear Diary,
Dr. Clark was sort of scary yesterday when he did a house call. First of all, he said that I wasn’t feeling well because I don’t eat enough. He said that I probably lost the baby because I’m too thin. Then he gave me two shots of something called tranquilizer which made it very hard to move. I cried and cried until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, Jeremy and Stewie were at the house but I couldn’t really talk because my tongue was swollen. Jeremy gave me a bottle of Chanel No. 5 perfume which makes me think he’s already been to Europe instead of leaving this very week. I wish I could go with him but apparently I must partake in Spanish cooking class with my communist teacher. I bet she wears trousers out in public, like she thinks she’s a matador.
Dear Diary,
I called Nancy today to ask why she locked me in the cellar - she told me she was sorry and she’d been having problems with remembering where she put people. Mother came over to check on me. I guess Jeremy asked her to check in on me and make sure I’m taking my medicine. She did the dishes and cleaned the bathroom. Mother said that I should stop using Comet to scrub the sink because I am destroying the enamel.
The weather girl must have heard my praying and pink hanky tears, for the sun is shining like a child’s toy.
Dear Diary,
I don’t know what to do for Nancy, she’s in a state. She went looking for her husband’s elks lodge the other night to tell him that she needed money to pay the gas man. Well, she drove all over blue Dakota and back without a trace of a lodge. The man at the Shell station told her there wasn’t an Elks lodge in the whole county. I was so alarmed to hear that - I cannot count the number of times Jeremy told me he was going to that very lodge. Whether anything Nancy says is true or not, it’s a lousy thing to hide a lodge. She’s decided that this may explain all the rifles and dirty trousers she’s found around the house lately. We looked up stain solutions, both for the trousers but also for Rosey’s toenails. This morning, Rosey dug a circle in the backyard and I don’t know what to tell Jeremy, since he’s leaving so soon. I stood for a while in the backyard crying and the kind faced Indian gentleman watched over me like a sycamore tree.
I have been trying to catch crickets to hide in Jeremy’s suitcase so, at least for one minute, he can know how I’m feeling. Oh Governors, I wish I could cry.
Dear Diary,
I can barely move, I’m too sad to breathe. My darling husband has left for Europe with Stewie Rosencratz.
Rosey and I are just about to scoot off to Nancy’s for the afternoon. Dr. Clark wanted called to ask me if I would let Nancy borrow my new vacuum cleaner. It’s the least I can do after everything Dr. Clark and Nancy have done for me and the weather girl (even though it was an ordeal getting that giant machine into the backseat).
Dear Diary,
I don’t know what day it is or how long I’ve been here. I believe that I am in the Clark’s attic. Nancy wasn’t home when I arrived with the vacuum. I’d asked where she was and Dr. Clark said that he’d sent her back to Mexico where she belongs. The last thing I remember was Dr. Clark asking me to smell a rag and then he held over my mouth - oh, I’m getting angry just thinking about it now.
When I woke up, I couldn’t feel my fingers but I can feel them now. It feels like my arm is bruised but I’m sure I’m imagining things. The door is locked but I’m feeling to to queasy to call for help.
later-
I tried to do Aunt Patsy’s hairpin trick but the lock was all sticky. If I didn’t have Stewie’s sugar cookies and this diary in my purse and all these wallpaper sample books to look through, I’d be a goner.
Dear Diary,
I saw the Indian gentleman but he didn’t see me. Dr. Clark visited me today but I don’t want to think about that just now. My arm hurts so much now.
My blurry eyes are making lovely patterns in the afternoon light. I have gone through the wallpaper books twice (I like the green flocked pattern with the fuzzy little flowers) and called for help for hours. Maybe Dr. Clark was serious and Nancy is really gone. Oh, I could just cry.
Outside, I can see the outline of the kind Indian gentleman. He is sending me secret messages of strength and hope. I think I will see if I can get this window open and go see him because with this beautiful snowfall, he can show me how to track a deer or maybe an ancestor. My arms are so weak but I am sure I can make it. On the other hand, even snakes go places and they have no arms at all.
Dear Diary,
When I woke up in the morning I saw shadows that looked like Jeremy and Stewie but I don’t think it was because they are in Europe now. One of them kept asking why I wasn’t dead yet. I pretended like I didn’t see them because they might have been ghosts and ghosts can curse you which isn’t good for anyone involved.
The only thing I can think to do now is to bash out the window and make the best of things like Tinkerbell. It is only the 3rd floor and I am a strong young woman. I will say a prayer and hopefully float downward like a petal.
Dear Diary,
I am too angry to write today. Everything has gone horribly wrong. I hate it here. My left arm is broken.
Dear Diary,
There is a place here where you can sit by the window. I can watch the sunrise over the tops of houses and tower tops. Yesterday I must have sat right here for 6 hours straight without moving a muscle. It’s possible that I was humming a song but I don’t know what it would have been, maybe that song about Bali High from South Pacific. Songs like that can get stuck in your head for days on end.
I wish mother would come back and take me home. It’s time for Rosey’s toenail trimming and I think she would be scared if anyone else came at her with scissors. I know I would be.
The hallway and rooms are painted the shade of toothpaste, a clear sign of a non-patriotic agenda. I pointed that out to my new doctor and he said that it was supposed to calm me, like being inside an aquarium. Now, I don’t know if this young doctor gentleman has ever been inside of an aquarium but there is nothing restful about being glassed into a tank. Other than that comment, I like my doctor a great deal. He smells like pine needles and writes down every word I say in an impressive looking leather notebook. He looks an awful like the the Indian man who stood in my yard but something tells me that I shouldn’t tell him that (if he has been standing in my yard all this time, he must be a bit embarrassed - I know I get embarrassed when I’m lost).
- later -
I don’t know how long I have to stay here, mother said that I must atone for my sins. This makes perfect sense but my memory is a bit cloudy as to what my sins might be. I imagine that stabbing through Dr. Clark’s neck with my ink pen was a pretty big sin but there might be more that I’ve forgotten. I just remember crawling through all that snow to the neighbor’s house. I hope to high heaven that I haven’t been shoplifting or stealing children’s bicycles. There are a lot of things wrong a person could do in one day. I wish I could think clearly.
Connie Allbright was a story I wrote during my downtime while working in publishing. It was distributed as a daily email from ConnieAllbright@usa.net(now defunct).
Initially, it was sent to my coworkers and then it spread out to friends, friends of friends and artists. I was following the great Bret Easton Ellis who had created an American Psycho 2000 email series. I don’t know of other artists who worked in this medium — I think I’m in good company with him.